Embodying relationships

Every self-respecting Aishes-Chayil-wannabe knows that it's more important to make your husband feel great than to have the seating arranged precisely the way you want it around the shabbos table, to praise your three year old for choosing her own clothes rather than correct her and change at least one of the orange skirt and pink t-shirt, to display the childrens crafts more prominently than your expensive artwork...yes, but sometimes it's not so easy to remember.

When hubbie wants to go boating and you KNOW it won't be relaxing having to keep an eye out that the kids don't fall in, you're sure you just have to say the right words and he'll SEE that it's a bad choice - if you just keep TELLING him all the reasons why he's wrong. Politely and calmly of course. Then the outing will be so much better.



It's a wrong perspective. The run-up to Pesach made me realise it. We're two opinionated people, hubbie and me. We politely and calmly correct and contradict pretty much everything the other one says. And as our kids get old enough to start questioning and disagreeing with everything we say, we're slowly realising this kind of communication isn't really so great. Yes, it's very open and honest, and certainly it's better than shouting and yelling (which isn't totally out of our repertoire either...) but it doesn't build respect.

Ooh, I just realised this ties in very nicely with something I just read about the parsha. I'l fill it in later if I don't get to distracted to remember, but I'd rather get to my point first if you don't mind ('you' being the currently non-existent reader).

Continually correcting, suggesting alternatives, however politely, builds a need for transparency and a feeling of distrust. If every time I suggest an activity - even what to have for dinner - my husband has to check when, why, how much it will cost, and whether there is anything else going mouldy at the back of the fridge, then my children will learn that when mummy says something, we should first check it out thoroughly, then see if we agree. Which is NOT what we want them to do! Picture this - I suggest an outfit, a timing, a location. Hubbie says, "Yes." Hubbie suggests a route, a menu, a purchase. Mummy says, "Yes." The kids learn that daddy knows. Mummy knows. We don't need to check them out. And more important still, daddy feels respected, mummy feels valued.

But it's so HARD!!! The desire to have little Rivka in that outfit that goes so well with what little Moishe is wearing when you take them out on Yom Tov completely overshadows Hubbie's helpful attempt to dress her, or her earnest efforts to pour the apple juice by herself without spilling. Because what's in front of you is the OBJECT, the outfit. Or the table, the car, the place, the food.

So this Omer I am trying out something. I am going to visualise my relationships as solid objects. Objects I can see and touch and feel. Maybe I will even draw them or something. I haven't quite worked it out yet. But for sure my relationship with my blonde daughter will be a curly yellow object, and my husband's will be the colours of our wedding flowers. Perhaps in a more masculine shape. I am going to visualise the relationships embodied by a physical object and every time I'm faced with a challenge of self-gratification over relationship I'm going to visualise that object getting just a little chip on the edge, a scratch, a smear of mud. Or at least, I'm going to try.

What I read in Cli Yakar about the parsha, parshas Kedoshim (and please note that this is not something I do so regularly, in fact this may be the first time I've independently translated more than one line from a sefer, but for some reason I understood this part) was that when we're told in the ten commandments to respect our parents, it says 'honour/respect (caved) your father and mother' but in this parsha when it tells us to fear/be in awe of our parents, it says 'a man, his mother and father, he should fear/be in awe of (tir'eh)'. Why does the Torah switch the order of mother and father? The one which comes first is included in the commandment. So a father must also honour the mother, and likewise a mother must also be in awe of the father.

A father and mother who continually second-guess each other don't give much of an impression of honouring and being in awe of one another. So my concretising my awareness of the importance of these relationships and picturing them as real objects which need taking care of and can be damaged if I don't, I'm hoping to increase my awe (and perhaps my hubbies respect) and maybe more towards showing my kids how a Torah family should interact.